04.20.2009 Ugh. Sorry. Change your feeds again if you already haven't. I'm moving back to blogger. While I really do love Squarespace, I hate how they charge me monthly for use. I don't use it enough to be charged a monthly fee. Plus I have problems with it being s-l-o-w. So...my experimental journey over here is done with and I'm heading home to blogger :)
http://www.purple-valley.blogspot.com
See you there.
02.5.2009 Yesterday was the best day in a long long time.
If you read my last entry, I had a doctor's appointment last week for my very early pregnancy. I was measuring at a little over 4 weeks. I knew that couldn't be right, but they assured me it was. All we saw was an empty sac and my gut told me we were in for another long road with another failed pregnancy. The nurses in this big OB practice were even asking my doctor if I was o.k. because they knew the news I received wasn't anything like what I was expecting.
I had an HCG blood test ran at that visit and the next day my doctor called saying my numbers were almost 12,000. I was ecstatic and so was she. Still, we weren't out of the dark. Yet.
Yesterday I had another visit with an ultrasound and right away we saw A BABY. A baby that was measuring on time alongside with my dates! A baby that was 6 weeks and 4 days. A baby that had a heart beat of 124!! It was AMAZING!
While in that ultrasound, the tech said, "Huh. I've never seen this before. You ovulated from both ovaries." That reassured me that this pregnancy wasn't something not meant to happen but something totally planned by God above. How astonishing is that?! I still can't believe it.
So I go back again in 2 weeks. I'm considered high risk and will be going just about every 2 weeks from here on out unless I feel comfortable and my doctors feel comfortable with my going less time. I'll continue to be on Lovenox injections and my other medications. My due date is Sept 26th, but I'll have a planned c-section a week before and I get to pick the date. It may be a little premature to be thinking that far out, but I just feel like this pregnancy has been another miracle (beyond so), and so I have faith and hope that at the end of September, the Camp household will be a family of 5.
Thanks for letting me share this excitement with all of you! And thank you, mostly, for your prayers. "We are glad whenever we are weak but you are strong; and our prayer is for your perfection." 2 Corinthians 13:9
Thank you, Amanda, for bringing your readers to me with outpouring love and support. You knew just what I needed! Thank you all, so much. Keep the prayers coming. :)
Love,
Val
01.30.2009 First you may or may not know that I've been going through a year of tests for muscle and joint pain, among lots of other symptoms. Just last Monday a Rheumatologist gave me a diagnosis: PCOS (Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome), Sjogren's Syndrome, Hypothyroidism and Firbromyalgia. Although, to be honest, I don't think I fit the bill for Fibro. I still don't think that's what I have, but I'm going with the diagnosis for right now. I have no other choice because I can't be treated yet. That same day I also found out I was pregnant. TOTAL SHOCK. We were NOT trying. I was told a few months earlier that with my high testosterone (associated with PCOS), I would probably not be able to get pregnant again. So yes, a shock is probably an understatement.
Once I soaked up the diagnoses and then the pregnancy, I called my OB. She was also completely shocked but excited to do another pregnancy with me. She said we had to take a lot of precautions, however. I was considered high risk with everything going on (along with my 3 previous miscarriages). So I was put on Levenox injections (a form of Heparin, an anti-coagulant) which I would have to shoot into my belly once a day, prometrium (progesterone), and baby aspirin. I had my HCG blood count done on Tuesday morning and it was in the 700's which seemed about right, putting me at about the 4-5 week mark. My progesterone was also drawn and that was 67 -- which is excellent! So my OB was happy. She said we were doing everything possible to keep the pregnancy going.
So yesterday was my first u/s (I always have them very early because of my miscarriage history) and then OB appointment in Bloomington. I've had a zillion ultrasounds in my time, too many to count even on two hands, so when my insides (for lack of a better term) went up on that ultrasound screen, I knew what I was seeing. It was a sac, but no baby :( In the past at this stage, I usually see a sac and a teeny tiny baby or a sac with a blob and a beating heart, or a sac with a fetal pole and embryo. We didn't see any of those. Just the sac, exactly what I saw at my first miscarriage at 12 weeks. The technician was thinking positive, though, and said that she's seen this before where then the next week she will see a baby at the right size. But it was hard for me to even think that that could be me because I just had no ounce of positivity in me anymore. I was shocked and numb. It was like reliving what I experienced 6-7 years ago -- again. I'm not ready for that again. Honestly, I never thought that WOULD be me again. And I'm just not ready for the pain again..not when this time I have a family I still have to take care of, a family who isn't going to stop for me. I still have to be a mother to them.
When I saw my OB she said that the technician told her that the sac itself looked good and strong. She, too, was positive. Said we needed to have my HCG numbers counted again and then we'd go from there. If the numbers were good, then I'll have another u/s next Wednesday.
Well, today we got the HCG numbers back and my numbers were 11,600 -- exactly right on track! I never in a million years thought I would hear good news after what I saw yesterday. But I prayed all night and I know that so many of you did as well. I thank you from the bottom of my heart. God is good. So good. And please don't stop praying.
While I'm not out of the woods yet, I'm at least a step closer. Next Wednesday I will have another u/s. This will be the longest 6 days of my life. Again, I've been through this before, but I've also seen this turn into a wonderful thing -- Noah and Maia, my babies :) If everything does continue to go okay, I will be monitored very closely. My hypothyroidism can cause autism, the Sjogren's can cause heart defects, and then with my past two pregnancies I was pre-eclampsic and this time I'm going INTO the pregnancy with a 50% chance I'll be pre-eclampsic again because I already have high blood pressure for an unknown reason. So I'm definitely not out of the woods, but like I said, a step closer. Any obstacles that come in our way, we'll deal with when they come. Right now I just have to concentrate on myself and this baby. If we survive through this, this baby will definitely be another little miracle.
God is good.
baby, diagnoses, health, high-risk, it's me Val, pregnancy, surprises in health, it's me, Val, pregnancy 01.20.2009
Yes, I know, it's almost February. Thankfully most of you will excuse me for being behind :) ...or maybe you won't, and in that case, go away! Hehe :)
Before I share more pics, you all deserve an update. I've been getting emails asking if everything is okay because I haven't updated in so long. Thank you so much for caring, you guys!! Yes, I'm okay. Just going on a ride with my doctors and that ride, well, it's not moving along too quickly ;) :)
Last Monday and Tuesday were rough days for me. Some days are much worse than others. I hurt all over, including my knees, thighs, elbows, along with the usual aches and pains I get which feel like when you get the flu - all achey and such. Those feelings happen to me quite regularly. But this time I had some spasms and tremors associated with and muscle tightening which I had never experienced before. Then a few days later, they were gone! Each day is totally different and not very predictable. So I take good days with a lot of enthusiasm!
So long story short, I finally got into a new doctor, an Internist, with the help of my amazing doctor. I just saw her yesterday, and she spent an hour with me. It was so great actually being listened to again, 2nd doctor in a row! The major concerns for my docs and I are the reason behind my high blood pressure (which is still a big concern) and then the actual culprit behind my other problems, most definitely Autoimmune, but pinpointing WHICH Autoimmune disorder is the hard part. (Basically with Autoimmune disorders, your antibodies attack themselves..attack your body thinking it's a foreign thing..which is why so many areas in the body, and so many organs, are affected and why pinpointing which disorder it is, is very tough. The whole autoimmune diseases, from what I've read, is actually very new. And there's no actual one test to pinpoint any of them. And Firbromyalgia, for one, is finally JUST being recognized as an actual disease, whereas for a long time it was dismissed as "something in the head".) The Internist decided that my moving along with an actual Rheumatologist who deals with Autoimmune disorders, is the way to go, so no messing around with Val! :) So, as soon as I can get in to a Rheumatologist (or even find one -- that's a whole other ordeal), hopefully I will start seeing some answers. (One of my tests came back positive for Sjogren's Syndrome, another Autoimmune disease, but again, all these diseases intertwine and overlap, that they can't actually diagnose me with it yet.) As for the PCOS and endometriosis, they will be put on hold since this other takes precident. I'm very ready for answers. Very ready.
In the meantime, putting my health aside, things have been good and fairly (on the calm side) exciting. I bought a new sofa and chair for my "presentation" room, something totally random and not something I was hoping to do any time soon, but these pieces were screaming at me :) My personal 2nd piece of new furniture after my nice desk I purchased 7 years ago for my office. It's kinda fulfilling and exciting all at the same time to have new furniture.
Then Neil made a major purchase after his '97 Honda Accord recently clunked out on him. It would cost $1500 to fix, it was worth $0 and he sold it for $300, so he made out on it! So with that money we took a weekend trip to Indy, just the 4 of us. (Also the place I found my furniture!) We had a really great lazy well-deserved (I believe!) weekend there. And then last weekend Neil went to Chicago where he purchased his new major purchase...a red 2007 VW Jetta. :) While he loves it and he will be the sole driver of it, Val is secretly more excited and very happy in a silly kind of way that VW will once again be a part of our family. (When we wash the nasty salt of it, I will upload and share a picture with you. She's awfully cute!)
The beginning of January, Maia transitioned from her crib/transitioned toddler bed, to a twin bed and that was quite exciting for her. We thought it would also (as we very much hoped) help her sleep better at night, but unfortunately it didn't. However, mommy was happy to get some more storage space under the bed :) I have decided that Neil and I produce a) late walkers, b) strong-willed children, c) hard to potty-train children and d) children who won't sleep (or take naps!). What we do wrong is beyond me. Ah well...
So here's some more holiday pictures which I am sure you are sick of, but these first ones are very important to me because over Christmas for the first time in 2 years, I got to see my brother. And also for the first time in 2 years, we got to see his kids, which was also the first time HE had seen them in 2 years. Long story there, but just know that it was the most wonderful reunion ever...something words cannot even describe!
Noah is proud to hold Lucy -- funny, eh?! :)
My mom and dad with the kids:
Chris and his girls. I looooove this shot.
Me and my bro:
Noah had a Chrismas program in December and this is a shot of he and his class rehearsing :)
Then on stage he wasn't shy at all. And one of his little bff's couldn't stop looking over at him, Isaac (in the red and gray), during the whole thing. It was so cute. They all did such a great job!!
In December I also got a special package in the mail from my good friend, Jenn, in Tennessee. She has her own business that sells candles, bath products, etc. And she sent me a basket filled with all these goodies! I never ever expected it. I have such wonderful friends...and they have a tendancy to do such special (unexpected) things like this for me quite often. I'm blessed!
Maia was very anxious to help me open it!
Speaking of gifts, right around Christmas I then received another unexpected package, this time from Erin. I think Maia knows that Erin's packages contain some fun things because she was especially anxious to open this one :) And don't worry, I don't leave Noah out. He just rarely ever cares to help -- totally his personality! Oh, and the computer in the background was placed in the pic on purpose. Erin and I "chatted" on instant messaging as we unwrapped everything. It was so fun!
The week before Christmas we went to O'ma's (Neil's mom's) for Christmas. She flew out to Oklahoma to where Brad and Chel are for Christmas Day. We had dinner with O'ma and unwrapped presents. We had a great time, as usual. Thanks, O'ma!!! Here, Noah gets stuff out of the fridge, O'ma prepares dinner, and Maia...not sure what she was doing!
The kids got digital cameras which this mommy was especially excited about!
Family pic... O'ma and Neil with the kiddos:
One morning we did a bunch of sugar cookies. Was messy but really fun. And then earlier in the season we all 3 made this gingerbread house.
This one was before Noah's Christmas program. Should have stuck it in up above.
Then right after Christmas, we received a package from Uncle Brad, Aunt Chel, Ella & Adi. Again, Maia was excited! (Kinda funny...her and the packages, eh?)
They were super excited about this one, knowing it was for them and from their cousins!
Thank you to all of you!!! :)
We do crafts quite often and this was one project Noah and I did, Christmas suncatcher ornaments.
Well, that's it for now. That was definitely a lot. More again soon.
01.7.2009 Mom's dog, Lucy, learned quickly how washing dishes works :)
Noah and his grandpa (my dad) play a game of Checkers.
Now it's Maia's turn...
Mom and I got some of her ornaments out (this was at Thanksgiving) and we came across some vintage ones that were passed down in our family. I love vintage and so does mom. I am guessing you already knew that about me/us. :)
Mom shows Maia some of the old ornaments.
An old one that I believe, was my Grandma Wallace's, and who knows if it was purchased by her or passed down to her. It's old.
Mom reading Night Before Christmas to Maia. It's the same book her dad used to read to her. :)
I know, I am really bad. Yes, that's me squirting (while taking the shot!).
Decorating the tree...
Cookies for Santa...
Gift wrapped by Noah and picked out just for me...
The kids on Christmas morning about to give Frankie her present. Family picture first... :)
Seeing the crumbs left by Santa :)
01.4.2009 To help calm my insanely crazed nerves about tomorrow's appointment, I'm going to make you guys go crazy yourself with a zillion pictures from my holidays. These are not in any certain order...I have so many, putting them in order will take all day, so hope you can still enjoy. Here's pieces of my last few months...
So a week ago Alexis arrived back "home" in Illinois. I got the great pleasure (as always) to spend all day Monday and Tuesday evening with her. I love my time with AJ. It's always a time I look so forward to and once it's over, I wish for it to be back. Tuesday evening while she and I went to our place, Robbie's, Noah and Maia hung out with Jamie, her girls and Sami. I love it when they are all together...it's like they were never separated. That's when you know they'll be friends for life. I love this one here of Noah, Sami and Hannah. Says so much about them...
Us besties :) ....
At Robbies it happened to be Sushi Night. I was quite excited! And I must say, I'll be back...it was the best sushi I have had no where near an ocean :)
My favorite photo of us taken by a complete stranger...
5 years of friendship...icing on the face and shirt doesn't keep them from being friends ;)
Icing a cupcake the Maia way :) ...
One day I can blackmail both of them with this picture...
or with this one, taken from the vault :) (shot by Alexis when they were at their house...3 years old?? They got a bit tired from their toilet paper demolishing, lol!)
Jamie, Alexis and I played a game of S-C-R-A-B-B-L-E (who do you think won, as always?!
Maia vacuums with her new Dirt Devil from Grandma and Grandpa Camp, which she got for her birthday. She takes after mommy, although I don't usually vac in my tutu :)
A few areas of my home at Christmas....
Vintage goodies that have been passed down to me which were once my grandmothers' on both sides.
The day we got our Christmas tree...
01.2.2009 Oh guys!
The past few days I've been dealing with some dizziness and heart palps and just feeling "off" again. Alexis had been here so I tried my best to put all that on the side while she was here. Her being here was actually a great distraction to my not feeling so well. It's good to have distractions, especially ones as special as that :) But once everything settled down and I was back to being at home relaxing a little bit, that's when I started noticing the "offness" again.
Wednesday I went to a doc appointment and my BP was really high...152//90. They suggested I get a monitor and monitor it at home (something that was actually suggested before but I never did it because those BP thingies are quite pricey!). So on the way to my mom's house for New Year's Day (a traditional gathering we have) we stopped at Walgreens and bought one.
While at mom and dad's I started feeling really bad again -- just dizzy, fuzzy eyes, tingly in my fingers and feet...just a total feeling of "off". So we got out my new BP digital thing and it was 162/98. We were wondering if it was even right, so we got out an old one that mom and dad had and re-checked my BP with that one and with it it was 164/107!!! My heart rate was 97. So I called my doc on her cell (she's on vacation in Ohio and I felt horrible but she was SO glad I called...) and she was very concerned and said I needed to go to the ER in Decatur. So luckily we were at mom's already, so we were able to just leave the kids there.
Okay, first of all, let me tell you, an ER waiting room is a bit...scary. The people, the "feeling", everything. But luckily the wait was only about a half hour before being put into a room for evaluation.
We went in, I was asked a zillions questions by a drill-seargent of a doctor. Then she had my protein checked, white blood cell count, and about 4 other blood tests. I also had an EKG and a dozen BP checks....all were in the 160/90 range. The final one was at 152/89. The doctor monitoring me decided after all the tests came back negative, to send me home. Her conclusion was/is that the prednisone (which I'm on for the pain in my muscles and joints) is making my BP go out of control. So since I'm on BP meds already, she didn't prescribe anything else. She said the prednisone being a steroid, you can't just "go off of", so I have to stay on it per my doctor's orders. Crazy that my body is having an adverse reaction to a drug, but it's a drug I can't stop so I have to continue taking the same drug that is causing my other medical side effects; it makes sense but at the same time, it doesn't make sense. But whatever is best for my body.
So before going to the ER, my doc said to call her back once I got checked in, so I did. She said once she got back into Illinois tomorrow night, she'd look at her books and call me back (she didn't realize the prednisone could do that). But in the meantime, I'm to taper off the prednisone, which began today.
So! ...Anyway! I'm still feeling really light-headed and dizzy and tingly in my fingers and toes, but at least I know it's not affecting my heart, etc. They said the EKG did not show any thickening of my heart. That's a relief. I just hate this whirlwind that I'm on. It's bad when your doctor says to you "Valerie, you have so many different things going on and I just don't know what is wrong". :(
Anyway, just wanted to give you an update. I'm to take my BP 3 or 4 times a day. This morning it was 152/87. So definitely better. Still is very scary to have my BP as high as it is, especially when I can feel it.
Monday is my MRI and now after all this today, I'm pretty nervous. I was already worried and now of course even more so. Neil wasn't going to go with me, but now he is. Neil's mom is coming to our house to stay with Maia and take Noah to school for us. (Thank you, O'ma) I should have results from the MRI back by Wed. I'm such excitement, aren't I?
Next post will be a happy post, I promise! I have so many pictures to share from Christmas. Thank you for your support and love through this scary, confusing time for me. Happy New Year...I think.
New Year, health, it's me Val, me in it's me, Val 12.24.2008 
The joy of life is the forward road...
- Tertius Van Dyke
Faith is to believe what you do not see; the reward of this faith is to see what you believe.
-St. Peter Julian Eymard
Each friend represents a world in us, a world possibly not born until they arrive. - Anais Nin
Love came down at Christmas; Love all lovely, love divine; Love was born at Christmas, Stars and angels gave the sign. - Christina Rossetti
Isaiah 7:14:
"Therefore the Lord himself will give you a sign: The virgin will be with child and will give birth to a son, and will call him Immanuel."
Luke 2:9-12:
"An angel of the Lord appeared to them, and the glory of the Lord shone around them, and they were terrified. But the angel said to them, "Do not be afraid. I bring you good news of great joy that will be for all the people. Today in the town of David a Saviour has been born to you; he is Christ the Lord. This will be a sign to you: You will find a baby wrapped in cloths and lying in a manger."
Merry Christmas, my friends. Love you lots.
Christmas, Christmas card, Merry Christmas, family, quotes in Christmas, family 12.22.2008 One thing I have learned about myself is that no matter how weak I feel, I am always strong enough to get through anything. I never ever thought I would be able to survive the physical pain that I did with my miscarriages and then the emotional pain that lingered through it as well, but I did. I never imagined myself being able to hold my grandpa's hand as he took his last breath, but I did. We are such strong creatures and I don't think we give ourselves enough credit for that. It's easy to give up, but so hard not to. However, it's friends, family and God that keep our heads held up and our hearts filled with love that keep us pushing to get through. The power of love is so strong.
With that, I have to say "thank you" to all of you who have called me, sent me email messages, gotten me out of the house and brought me food. It's MORE than I ever expected! But your words have touched me the most. I didn't know so many cared. Your compassion is overwhelming and I'm not really sure what else to say but "thank you". I have 800 messages in my inbox because I read many of my messages but never have the energy to write back, but do know that I have read them and each message has been inspiring and has touched me immensely. I am so so blessed to have the network of friends that I have. I probably would have given up without you.
My MRI is scheduled for January 5th at, gulp, 7:00 in the morning. What a way to begin that week, especially since it takes about an hour to get there. But my doctor said that she should have the results back on the 7th, so that's good news.
My doctor also told me this morning that my most recent blood test done on Saturday came back negative. YAY! Good news. I asked, "so if the MRI comes back okay, what next?". She said we will have ruled out a lot and that I willl be evaluated more for a connective tissue disorder within the lupus family (Lupus, Fibromylagia, etc.). In the meantime I'm taking prednisone. She said some people with the connective tissue disorder may have to be on a small dose of prednisone every day to help control the flare-ups.
With the help of some friends who have already told me they will be accountable for me through this, I am going to begin eating better than I ever have. I cut out red meat right out of high school for 6 years, and since I know I can do that, I'm going to do it again. I'm also cutting out the processed stuff (I really want to call it "crap", hehe) which will require me to be more diligent and observant, but I know I can do it. It will also cost me a bit more, but it's worth it if it makes me feel better. My whole point in doing this is that these people who have done it have proof that it can heal. And that makes sense. How can putting processed foods with little nutrition, so many additives and so much sugar help us to survive and better our bodies? It doesn't. So I'm making a huge change. I'll be talking about this more later, I'm sure.
So now I just take my prednisone and other meds, eat better, take my vitamins, wait for the MRI, enjoy my friends' uplifting emails and have a very Merry Christmas with my dear family (I DO get to finally see my brother; it's been 2 years!). Again, thank you for everything. I really mean that.
health, illness, val's thoughts in it's me, Val 12.20.2008 I was trying to be as private as possible about all this but I think a friend of mine is right, that I should let everyone know what's going on so that people can be here for me and support me whether it be through prayers or what-have-you. You see, I'm going through a very hard time.
Many of you know that for probably years, I've been dealing with some hair loss. I didn't realize how bad it was beginning to get until I saw some pictures of myself. It was about the same time of realizing this that I started having heart palps, some numbness and tingliness. So I went to my OB-gyn who is the most supportive wonderful doctor in the entire world. She had some tests ran on me and they came back negative for thyroid issues. However, my blood pressure was out the roof, 150/100, and as I monitored it for about a week from home, it stayed in this range. So I was put on HBP meds & prenatal vitamins for their potency (in hopes that they'd help me gain energy, something I was lacking too, as well as help my hair grow back). So I started on those.
In the meantime, I called my general doc about some stomach pain. I got in to see him and he couldn't feel anything. After hearing about my past with c-sections, he thought possibly that I just had a lot of adhesions, so he had me do a CT scan to rule out the bad things like cancer or anything that would not be in the tissues. That came back negative (thankfully) except a cyst showed up on one of my ovaries. He said since I had been working with my OB with the blood pressure and other things, that I should bring this up to her and let her continue with everything, but if I felt like things weren't getting done in a timely manner like I wished, to call him and he'll send me to the Mayo Clinic. (He knew there were some greater things going in, too, but he's just a general doc and would have to send me elsewhere regardless.) Oh, and at this appt, my BP was around 142/90, so my BP wasn't going down into the "normal" area like we had hoped. :(
So I went back to my OB and discussed my stomach pain. She was glad we had ruled out other things and said that she, too, thought it was probably adhesions. So she talked to the surgeon doc and he agreed as well, based on my history with emergency c-sections, that it was most likely adhesions (scar tissue growing onto my organs). (My mom later told me, too, that my grandmother had bad scarring issues and I do seem to take after her in a lot of areas.) So I was scheduled for a laparoscopy (where they blow up my belly with gas and go into my abdominal region through a hole in my belly button and possibly other sites as well - they ended up going "in" at 3 areas). The actual surgery date was not scheduled yet. They were calling me later with that date.
In the meantime, I had had more blood tests done and my TSH numbers were actually elevated this time. I was at a 2.8 which was higher than before but still within "normal range". But my doctor felt that maybe this was something just developing, and since I had all the symptoms, she decided we should treat those symptoms because I was sick and needed to be treated. I was diagnosed by her with Hypothyroidism. Hypothyroidism is an underproduction of the thyroid (located in your neck) which all cells transfer through. If the thyroid is "off" it will in turn make every cell in your body off. It then can affect your heart, brain, skin, etc. I had all the symptoms - high blood pressure, heart palps, hair loss, dry skin, exhaustion, weight gain, depression, vision troubles, etc. So I was put on a lose dose of Synthroid. A synthetic Thyroid hormone. Oh, and my HBP meds were changed because the others were apparently not helping much.
So my surgery was schedule for the day before Halloween of this year. It was kind of a scary procedure (emotionally) because it brought back a lot of memories of my deliveries with both babies. I was hooked up the IV's again and intubated with a tube, again, then taken to surgery, again. Surgery took 2 hours and in surgery the doctor found a ton of adhesions (more than he had anticipated) along with some endometriosis; something I never ever thought was something I was dealing with. I was let go from the hospital later that evening and was on bed rest about 5 days. Recovery was much harder than I had ever thought. Again, very much like my c-sections, only the pain for the first few days was a lot worse. Thankfully that major pain dissipated after 2 days.
At my next appointment we talked about ways to keep the endometriosis at bay. It would never be totally gone, but there are ways to keep it from coming back in full force. We also discussed the Thyroid issues some more. Soon after I left this appointment, I started feeling really "out of whack" again.
The past few weeks I have felt horrible. Major aches and pains in all my muscles, especially arms and legs, extreme exhaustion, cold, plus all the other symptoms I had felt before, only stronger than before. The worst thing has been the numbness in my arms and legs, my knees killing me forcing me to limp, bad tingliness in my arms making me itch, and just pain, and lots of it, and oh, the exhaustion. I emailed my doctor (I have to say how LUCKY I am to have a doctor who WANTS me to email her, who calls me from her home, etc. I'm truly blessed by her.) and she called me right away. She said she didn't like hearing what she was hearing at all. So she had me go to the local hospital for a handful of blood tests (T3, T4, cortisol, etc.). The testosterone came back at 40. A woman should be below 20. A high testosterone level means really one thing, Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS). Then, while the Rheumatoid test came back negative, some of the lupus panel came back positive. Two tests came back positive, actually. The cortisol test was not back yet. While on the phone with her she asked if MS or lupus ran in my family. She also said she needed to talk to the other doctor to see where we "need to go now". She said they don't see many of these lupus tests in the OB-gyn come back positive :(
Two days later, yesterday, I heard back from her again. She said that the doctor wants to run more tests (a CSF Analysis) which I am to do this morning at our local hospital and also be scheduled for an MRI of my brain. MS would show up on an MRI (that's the sure-fire way to determine MS), but then anything else would show up as well. My doctors are concerned that it could be something in my brain with all the tingling and numbness I'm having. The CSF would also rule out MS and other connective tissue things -- hopefully. I think my doctors want to do all they possibly can to determine what's wrong before sending me elsewhere and I'm whole-heartedly thankful for that because I love my doctors so much. I've never felt so well taken care of (and loved) in my life by a doctor. I've heard such horror stories of some doctors, so I'm just truly thankful for the ones I have. If things do continue to show up on the tests, they'll have no choice to send me to a Rheumatologist and Neurologist.
So, we know something is going on, just not for sure what. The tingling is what is with me 100% of the time. Like right now I'm feeling it in my face. It's a bit scary. I'm scared, but actually holding up pretty well considering. I just want to find out what is going on. I want an answer. I want my life back. I've never felt so exhausted in my life. Yesterday, I literally stayed in bed ALL day long while my kids watched TV and played. Consider me a bad mom, but I'm doing my best. Some days are that hard on me. It's incredibly hard feeling this way and I don't think some people realize how hard it is to get out of bed in the mornings. Not only do I feel horribly terrible about how I look because of my hair and weight gain and nasty skin, but I feel the same on the inside as well (and the hair and weight gain is from a totally different problem, the PCOS!). It's not a fun thing and I wish more than anything to get out of feeling like this. I feel like I have to pretend that I'm okay. I feel like I have to put on this happy fake face when I'm not. I have had some wonderful teacher friends at Noah's school see that I'm not feeling well so they ask me (they are really the only ones that ever see me) and I almost break down in tears because I NOT okay. And I appreciate them recognizing it and being concerned. I think right now that's all I want. I know some people want to get me out of the house, but I don't. I am so upset by how I look that I just have a hard time being in public and again, "pretending". I especially am not keen on big groups. All I want right now is to know I'm loved, thought about and prayed for. I am 32 and feel like I am 50. All my energy has been zapped. Most of my love of life has been zapped. (Seriously, how can it not be?) The ONLY thing that keeps me going is my kids. They are the best biggest gift God has ever given me in so many ways.
See this PCOS...I've probably had it for a long time, maybe most of my life since puberty. It's probably what had caused my infertility, my miscarriages, the OHSS, everything. And then miraculously I get pregnant, twice, within 3 years and those babies SURVIVED. Now it has shown that PCOS has developed and it's not good. Just means my ovaries are probably again not working right, collecting eggs and not releasing. On top of that, the Endometriosis is building up and setting out some toxins into my body. My fertility future looks dead. And not that I wanted to have more children but it's just very sad to know I definitely probably can't (at least would not be my favor), and who knows what the future holds with that? Hysterectomy? Maybe. But I don't want to think about that. I want to get through this other "thing" first.
No idea on the date of the MRI yet; probably before New Year's because our deductible has already been met for the year. And the test from today will probably be back next week. My blood tests are usually quick at getting back, so that's good at least.
I feel very far away from God right now and I need to get closer. I need Him, and I know that. I know there's nothing anyone can do for me but pray and be there for me. It's so easy to pull away in times like this and I need to push to get closer again. In so so so many ways I'm just not me anymore. I want me back. I miss me. I want to be the best mom for my kids and right now they are not getting that. I do try my best, though. Please help me by just being my friend and praying for at least some answers. I know whatever is wrong, I can get through, but it's hard not having complete definite answers.
God, health, val's thoughts in it's me, Val